It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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