Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
