Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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