Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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