I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
