woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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