I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Randomize
