i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
