Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
