I wish I could punch you in the face.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
