I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
