so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Randomize
