Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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