So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
