Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's official drugs can't kill me
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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