Your face is a jimmy john
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I have feelings that need drinking.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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