At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
