there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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