Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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