just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
