Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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