I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
