all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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