My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
