My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
