you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Are we still banned from the library?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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