I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
