Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm gonna have a badass scar
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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