I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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