Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
