I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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