I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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