the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
