May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
