I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
