bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
