All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
