she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
