i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
The power of my boobs compel you
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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