wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
