somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
