There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She's the barista slut.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
