I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
