I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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