I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
