I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
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