It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
