**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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