My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
