we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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