I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
