You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
